The Amazing Racists
Teams of two race around the continental United States in attempts to please a 70-year-old infantile narcissist. The ultimate scavenger hunt for scavengers.
Producer’s note: These episodes were pre-recorded. Because of the volatility of the times, some team members may already have been fired, are no longer in the game, or gone into hiding.
Episode 1: Finders Keepers
The teams start off at the White House in Washington, D.C., where they have only four hours to find and destroy all of Donald Trump’s mobile phones and TV remotes. Then, they must search the grounds to find the only Hispanic working at the White House who is not part of the kitchen staff or landscaping crew. When they do, they must ask in Spanish to “see the Wall.” Once he approves of their use of Spanish, teams must watch Fox & Friends and identify and recite from memory three false statements. Teammates Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich (#TeamUndertheBus) are the first to be eliminated from the race for no apparent reason, other than nobody really likes them. Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump (#TeamFatherLovesMeBest) are the first to arrive at the Pit Stop and win an Express Pass.
Episode 2: Money, Money, Money
Teams drive down the East Coast to Mar-a-Lago, Florida, in golf carts, where they must identify by name and country at least ten foreign dignitaries or lobbyists dining in the restaurant. They must pick the correct diner as the person most likely to be carrying an envelope stuffed with the most cash in large, unmarked bills. Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump (#TeamUdayQusay) fly their personal jet to Mar-a-Lago but detour to party in Grand Cayman and drop from second place to fifth. This gives Team Father Loves Me Best enough time to arrive first at the Pit Stop. Jared and Ivanka win another Express Pass and get to keep the cash bribe. Corey Lewandowski and Paul Manafort (#TeamRussia) are the second team to be eliminated. Team Russia has problems from the start, and can’t get their respective stories straight when asked to explain their bizarre actions to the press. To compound their problems, during a Detour, Corey slugs a woman reporter for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.
Episode 3: New York, New York
Teams arrive in Mid-town Manhattan, where they must first exchange their regular clothes for a fig leaf and then fight their way through a huge crowd of angry anti-Trump protesters to enter Trump Tower. Once inside the Tower, teams must scour all 58 floors until they find the alleged wire used by the Obama Administration to tape conversations of, ahem, alleged illegal activities by Trump associates. If they find the wire, they must find Melania Trump in the penthouse and hand it to her. Team Father Loves Me Best wisely uses one of their Express Passes and is able to avoid both the protesters and the wire search and go directly to the pent house. For their efforts at again being first to the Pit Stop, they win another Express Pass, their third in three weeks, a record for the show. Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer (#TeamPantsonFire) are U-turned and have to submit to a polygraph test, which they both fail miserably and repeatedly. They are eventually eliminated as time runs out on them and the episode.
[stay tuned for more episodes]