The Amazing Racists
Ten teams of two race around the continental United States in attempts to please a 70-year-old infantile narcissist. The ultimate scavenger hunt for scavengers.
Producer’s note: These episodes were pre-recorded. Because of the volatility of the times, some team members may already have been fired, are no longer in the game, or have dropped out of sight.
Episode 5: Coal Miner’s Dotter
Teams must now drive non-stop in their American-made cars from Pocatello, Idaho, to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Along the way, they are required to meet and talk to at least three real Americans with voter I.D. cards from the heartland who still believe in the Trump presidency and who honestly believe their Medicaid healthcare benefits are safe. Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan (#TeamSpineless) run out of gas and are forced to pull over to the side of the road in Kansas. The team of Mike Pence and Sarah Huckabee Sanders (#TeamFakeChristians) choose not to play Good Samaritans and pass Team Spineless without stopping to help. When questioned by race officials, it’s discovered that Mike’s wife had been hiding in the back seat under a blanket. The team is issued a warning for cheating with one’s own spouse. Once in Harrisburg, each team must arrange and hold a meaningless rally, while exaggerating the crowd size for national media. Although Team Uday Qusay finally get their act together, they are still the second team to arrive at the Pit Stop. Team Father Loves Me Best, of course, wins again. However, because it was a close finish, both first and second teams are awarded an Express Pass, as well as a free government-sponsored trip to anywhere in the world and a Get Out of Jail Free card. The team of Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus (#TeamWhitey) showed spunk by finishing second in last week’s race. Steve took it upon himself to personally make the white sheets in Idaho in record-time, while Reince, much lower to the ground, seemed born to pick vegetables. Unfortunately, fearing competition from the two White House insiders, Team Uday Qusay u-turns Team Whitey, who are tasked with finding an example of clean coal. Unable to locate a single specimen, they are eliminated.