The Amazing Racists
Ten teams of two race around the continental United States in attempts to please a 70-year-old infantile narcissist. The ultimate scavenger hunt for scavengers.
Producer’s note: These episodes were pre-recorded. Because of the volatility of the times, some team members may already have been fired, are no longer in the game, or have already gone into hiding.
Author’s note: The only reality show I ever watch is The Amazing Race, probably because I can’t afford to do much travelling and they send those people everywhere. Accordingly, The Amazing Racists is an affectionate nod to my favorite reality show, as well as a parody with political touches. My apologies to other fans of The Amazing Race but not to racists—you know who you are.
Episode 6: Nothing’s Easy in The Big Easy
Teams fly to New Orleans, aka The Big Easy, where their first task is to play the tuba in a Jazz funeral in the Ninth Ward. When the parade breaks off into a Second Line, each team must find a house with a Trump/Pence campaign poster in its window. When they do, they are handed their next clue, which sends them to a nearby swamp. After dining on roadkill, teams must traverse an obstacle course through the swamp while being chased by good ol’ boys and their hound dogs in rusted-out pickup trucks. Familiarity with swamp culture helps Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan (#TeamSpineless, #TeamWeasel) successfully navigate the treacherous terrain, the first team to make it out alive. Upon exiting the swamp, teams must sing the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence in Cajun. Teams end in Jackson Square in the French Quarter, where as their final task of the leg they must create a statue of former Confederate president Jefferson Davis out of Legos. As time expires, Team Fake Christians and Team Civil Rights Are For Losers lack the manual dexterity, vision, and teamwork to master their Legos and face dual elimination. Fortunately, it is not an elimination “Lego” (sorry, bad pun) and all remaining teams move on. The team of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump arrive first at the Pit Stop and win another Express Pass as well as a celebrity endorsement deal with Fox News. Nobody knows what happened to Team Uday Qusay.