The Amazing Racists
Ten teams of two race around the continental United States in attempts to please a 70-year-old infantile narcissist. The ultimate scavenger hunt for scavengers.
Producer’s note: These episodes were pre-recorded. Because of the volatility of the times, some team members may already have been fired, are no longer in the game, or have disappeared from sight.
Author’s note: The only reality show I ever watch is The Amazing Race, probably because I can’t afford to do much travelling. Accordingly, The Amazing Racists is an affectionate nod to the reality show and a parody with political touches. My apologies to other fans of The Amazing Race but not to racists—you know who you are.
Episode 8: Teed-Off Time
Teams are back in golf carts this week, as the leg opens at the Trump National Doral Golf Course, outside of Miami, Florida. Teams must race around all 72 holes in their cart, touching each hole flag, and then recite from memory the number on each flag. Once teams traverse the 72-holes, they must return to the clubhouse where a blindfolded team member is required to fondle a golf club and correctly identify the club by its shaft and head, as well as identify which country it was made in. Team Fake Christians identifies the country as Indiana and is penalized for mistaking a state for a foreign country. Team Spineless (aka #TeamWeasel, #TeamNoHealthCareforYou) mistakenly drives their cart into a water hazard and later gets stuck in not just one but two sand traps, putting them far behind the other three teams. Later that evening, teams must dress in black, Ninja-style, and lie on the ground at the driving range for two hours while getting pelted by tourists practicing their chip shots. The next morning, outside the clubhouse at the golf ball washer, teams are required to wash two-hundred Trump balls in seven minutes. At the Pit Stop, Team Fake Christians protests their penalty but for naught, and they are eliminated. Team Father Loves Me Best arrives first—once again. It is, indeed, a stunning achievement considering Jared and Ivanka did not perform any of their assigned tasks during this leg of the race.