The Amazing Racists
Ten teams of two race around the continental United States in attempts to please a 70-year-old infantile narcissist. The ultimate scavenger hunt for scavengers.
Producer’s note: These episodes were pre-recorded. Because of the volatility of the times, some team members may already have been fired, are no longer in the game, or have disappeared from sight.
Author’s note: The only reality show I ever watch is The Amazing Race, probably because I can’t afford to do much travelling. Accordingly, The Amazing Racists is an affectionate nod to the reality show and a parody with political touches. My apologies to other fans of The Amazing Race but not to racists—you know who you are.
Episode 9: The Mar in Mar-a-Lago
Welcome to our finale, a two-hour special that opens back in Mar-a-Lago, where teams start off by quoting from memory yesterday’s barrage of Trump tweets. Next, they must guess to within one-hundred thousand the correct number of attendees at Trump’s inauguration. Once those tasks are completed, all three final teams will receive separate Detours. Team Father Loves Me Best, winner of last week’s race, must fly to Dubai for their Detour. There they will wine and dine potential investors at the At.mosphere Restaurant on the 122nd floor of the Khalifa Tower, the world’s tallest building, and must correctly identify the amuse bouche. After a fourteen-course meal, Team Father Loves Me Best must successfully negotiate a billion-dollar deal with the United Arab Emirates for Trump products to be sold during the 2020 World Expo. For their Detour, Team Uday Qusay are off to world-famous Namibia, Africa, known for its abundance of wildlife, where the two boys will take turns hunting trophy game in the wilderness from the comfort of a Chinook helicopter utilizing military-grade weapons. The team must return to Florida with at least one trophy leopard and two zebra skins. Extra points will be awarded for any endangered species bagged by the dynamic duo during their wildlife adventure. Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan (#TeamSpineless, #TeamWeasel, #TeamNoHealthCareforYou, #TeamGOPUberAlles)) face perhaps the most challenging Detour of the season. The good news is they get to stay in the US. The bad news is they must scrub toilets in all 126 rooms in Mar-a-Lago using only a toothbrush and flossing string. When Mr. Trump’s private body guard approves of their work, they will receive their next assignment. Unfortunately, time runs out on the legislators in the crapper. While Mitch and Paul are still on their knees on a bathroom floor, they are personally “fired” by a gloating Mr. Trump. Meanwhile, the other remaining two teams compete in a footrace to see who can deliver the most scoops of vanilla ice cream to Donald in thirty minutes, which surprisingly ends in a tie. As their tie-breaking task, our final two teams must see who can shake Donald’s hand the longest. Spoiler alert: Team Father Loves Me Best is the last team standing at the Pit Stop and wins (was there ever any doubt?). Well, that’s all for this season of The Amazing Racists. If you like getting ripped off by the 1-percent, and think the super rich need more tax breaks while you can live (albeit a shorter life) without health care or any kind of social safety net, don’t miss our new reality show coming soon: The Amazing Plutocrats. Or, as we like to refer to it here in the studio, Make America Feudal Again.