Month: June 2018

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Little Rocket Man and The Dotard

 

In honor of Donald Trump showing Kim Jong-un a short fake film based on their meeting, I am proposing a new TV comedy, coming soon to streaming…

Title: Little Rocket Man and The Dotard

Synopsis: After bankrupting their respective countries, two unemployed dictators share a house together and plot mutually assured destruction.  Hijinks ensue. “Big Brother” meets “Chopped” in this updated twist on Neil Simon’s classic “The Odd Couple.” Parental discretion advised for strong language, senseless violence, and gratuitous sexual content.

 

FADE IN:

Int. Suburbs – McMansion – Front Door – Day

THE DOTARD, a slightly older version of Donald Trump, in his signature suit and long tie, stands at the door and accepts delivery of fast food from McDonald’s. He takes the tray holding burgers, fries, and sodas from DELIVERY GUY, who stands and stares at Donald. It’s a staring contest.

THE DOTARD

I imagine you’re waiting for a tip. Here’s a tip: never get stuck with the bill.

THE DOTARD slams the door on DELIVERY GUY’s face.

THE DOTARD

Loser.

THE DOTARD carries the bags of fast food to the dining table, where LITTLE ROCKET MAN, a slightly older version of Kim Jong-un, dressed in his traditional baggy black outfit, has just finished setting the table.

THE DOTARD

You gotta love these delivery guys. They always expect a tip.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

(laughs)

And you always stiff.

THE DOTARD

Stiff is my middle name.

They high five each other.

THE DOTARD

What are they going to do about it, you know what I mean? Sue me? Get in line.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Good one.

A few seconds pass as they eat and drink.

THE DOTARD

I’ve been thinking. With all the time we have on our hands now. Maybe we should start a band. It would be amazing. Believe me.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Chicks love hanging out with the band.

THE DOTARD

That’s my thinking. I cherish women. I have great respect for women. Believe me.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

So you keep saying.

They SLURP their sodas. Burp. Pause.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

We’ll need a name. For the band.

THE DOTARD

I got this. Branding’s my thing. How about … The Beach Boys?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

That’s been done.

THE DOTARD

Yeah, so what? We can still call ourselves The Beach Boys. Or The Beatles.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Or Bruce Springsteen.

THE DOTARD

Great idea. We’ll be a duo. Aretha…

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

And Franklin.

THE DOTARD

You know what? We’re dictators. We can call ourselves anything we want. We can figure that out later.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Anything but Queen.

THE DOTARD

Wait. What about their intellectual property rights?

Pause as they mull this over.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN and THE DOTARD laugh hysterically.

THE DOTARD

Gotcha.

They fist bump.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Do you play an instrument?

THE DOTARD

Depends on what you mean by instrument.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Not that instrument. Get your mind out of the gutter, bro. A musical instrument.

THE DOTARD

You mean like a guitar or violin or that big thing women have between their legs?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

What big thing between their legs?

THE DOTARD

Rhymes with jello.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Cello?

They pause to eat.

THE DOTARD

I don’t need to play an instrument. I’m told my voice is pure gold. I’ll be the lead singer. It will be amazing. Believe me.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Why do you get to be the lead singer?

THE DOTARD

Some people say I have a very, very, very beautiful voice. I would be good. You can’t believe how good I’d be. Youuuuuge.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

In your dreams.

THE DOTARD

Trust me. Everybody says I sing like an angel. You won’t believe.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

People say you sing like a canary. How come I can’t be the lead singer? I would be awesome.

THE DOTARD

Yes, but I would be very, very, very awesome. Besides, Little Rocket Man, your voice is like fingers scratching on a I don’t know what. A gold-plated toilet. You sound Korean.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

I am Korean.

THE DOTARD stands and walks away from the table.

THE DOTARD

You see. I’m right. I’m always right.

THE DOTARD goes to the living room. He pulls the curtains and looks outside.

THE DOTARD

I don’t believe it. Did you see that?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

What?

THE DOTARD

We have new neighbors and they’re black.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

A black family’s moving in next door? Let me see. Maybe it is my good friend Dennis Rodman.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN rushes over to see for himself.

THE DOTARD

Does your good friend wear a dress?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Sometimes yes. And stiletto heels.

THE DOTARD

So does my good friend Rudy. Maybe we should hook them up for a blind date?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN looks out the window through military binoculars.

THE DOTARD

Well, is it him? Is it Dennis?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

It’s not a he. It’s a she and she looks familiar.

THE DOTARD

A woman? Maybe we should go over and introduce ourselves?

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Uh oh. You are not going to like this, Dotard.

THE DOTARD

Let me see.

The Dotard wrestles the binoculars away from his roommate and stares out the window.

THE DOTARD

Turn around, baby, turn around. She looks like a hottie. Where have I seen that woman before. Wait. Now. Hold on. There’s a man unloading boxes. It’s. It’s. Oh, shit.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Who is it?

THE DOTARD

It’s Barack!

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

The Obamas are moving in next door?

THE DOTARD drops the binoculars and goes weak at the knees. He struggles to sit down.

LITTLE ROCKET MAN

Good thing we kept that basketball hoop over the garage. Maybe we can get a pick-up game with Barack and Dennis. What do you think?

THE DOTARD

Why can’t I ever escape that man? He tortures me. Very, very biggly.

 

FADE OUT.