Two Weeks in Roswell – Chapter 1.02

In short, Planet Earthnot is a planet that doesn’t have the patience or desire to repeat mistakes. They do not suffer fools lightly, and learn quickly from life’s lessons. Take war, for example. As soon as experience taught them that war was a lose-lose proposition, it went away.

Mostly.

Interestingly enough, what we have in common is they look just like us. They only have one head and that human-like head comes equipped as standard issue with two eyes, one set of nostrils, a pair of ears, and the usual accouterments of upright walking man. Their arms and hands and legs and feet resemble ours and act much the same way. Fingers point, toes wiggle, knees creak.

It goes without saying—which is why it is now being said—that their brains are much more evolved that ours.

There is one notable other difference, however: they lack hair. Everywhere and anywhere. No hair on the scalp, arms, legs, nose, ears, and areas where the sun never shines. The residents of Earthnot are as smooth as a cue ball. If you were to dress an Earthnothian in orange swaddling and put him in a line-up with a bunch of Hare Krishnas, you wouldn’t be able to pick him out from the crowd. That is, until you noticed he was the only one not beating a drum or begging for nickels and dimes.

The reason they don’t have any hair is simple: they don’t need it. The temperature on their planet remains at a consistent and very comfortable level. Those who want to experience colder weather in winter travel to the north, while those seeking to feel more heat in winter go south. In-between, however, the weather is spot-on perfect. Their sun shines daily and it only rains at night.

To compensate for their lack of hair and as a matter of fashionable style, they wear hats. Lots and lots of hats. Not all at once, which would be silly. But there is no shortage of hats on Planet Earthnot. It’s common knowledge that if you need a hat, the only place to go in the universe is Earthnot, where the expression “My hat’s on to you” is a compliment, “My hat’s off to you” is an insult, and “Nice hat” is how they greet each other when they pass in the streets. Adult males usually prefer to wear manly fisherman caps or wide-brim hats, such as boaters and fedoras, while adult females are particularly fond of colorful yet delicate cloche hats, known to us as a flapper hat, and, for special occasions, a shade-providing, flower-festooned concoction. Very chic. All government officials wear what could best be described as a cross between a small office trash can and a turban, complete with dangling tassel. Children, on the other hand, wear whatever damn hat they please.

[to be, you know, continued]

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